i guess the best way to start is to say that i need a hug. badly. from katie. when she's wearing that really big blue sweater of hers, and her hair is down, and she says 'it's okay, sue, don't worry. you're my best friend, okay? and i'm yours. i'm here for you.'

i miss katie. i thought it might be hard, but then again i didn't think it'd be *this* hard. i mean, she's only two hours away. but as i go through every day just knowing that i can't just hop in my car and visit her, or ask her to come over and talk with me, or do anything with me... well, it hurts.

katie and i have an odd relationship. i know at times that we seriously get on each other's nerves like no one else can. and sometimes she's just so oblivious, and sometimes i'm just so mean...

but we have this connection. and i knew we did, but it wasn't really until this past year that i found out how important it is to me, how necessary it is for her to be a part of my life.

katie is my best friend.

it was all little things, really. she was the first person who i *really* became close with in high school, when i was mature enough to build one of those everlasting friendships. when i wasn't scared that my family was going to pack up and move in a year. i gave her my heart, and she gave me hers, i guess you could say.

she's a shy person, katie is. but once she knows you, man, she doesn't shut up. and unless she's absolutely exhausted, there's no way she'd ever be quiet in the car. there's just something about being in a car that makes katie even more animated, and i love her for it. i don't think she knows, really. i mean, she'll be going on about something [much the same way i do] and then suddenly she'll stop and look at me and ask if i want her to shut up. or she'll ask if she's boring me, or if i'm upset. i'm usually thinking while she's doing this, mostly about our friendship, and analyzing her erratic behavior and how glad i am that she's a part of my life. and then she asks me if i'm mad at her or something. and it just cracks me up inside, because i guess she just hasn't realized yet that i like to hear her talk.

people tease katie because once she feels comfortable with a person [and sometimes before] she just blurts out random things. and i know as well as she does that she's not stupid, that even if every once in awhile she says something she really didn't mean to, most of the time she knows what she's doing. it's like whenever i cuss. i always make that split-second decision whether to say freak or fuck. i made one just now, as i was typing.

katie makes these decisions all the time. and because she's such an honest person [the most truthful person i know, even though i tease her about her compulsive lying techniques], she just chooses to say what's on her mind.

and sometimes things come out wrong, and she doesn't sound like the brightest crayon in the box. but really, that's just another reason why i love her. i mean, how many people in this world can say 'i just bought this new' and make you laugh so hard you cry and nearly wet your pants? just the simplest phrases she says come out with such emotion, such clarity...

katie is an extraordinary person.

when she's talking, i'm almost always listening. only once in a great while will my mind be too wrapped up in something else, and i may not notice her speaking right away. but when i do, she has my full attention. again, it's one of those things that i don't believe she realizes. katie has a gift. when she speaks, i love to listen to her. there's a child-like quality about her, a certain happiness that i've seen fade in everyone around me, and in myself. but katie, though two years older than me [one and half, according to her], has never lost the child within. she still gets squirmy when we pass a park, and i can tell it's killing her that she's not able to go and play on the swings. and of course, since i'm dying to play as well, we normally do.

i like those moments with katie, when we just let things happen. we got to see pink flamingos because of that, and hippos and elephants and even killer ostriches.

i'll never forget katie. and the impact that she has had on my life. i only wish that i could let her know how precious she is to me.

i asked joel the other day who out of all my friends did he feel the most comfortable with... who did he know and like best? he said katie.

and honestly, if he had said anyone else, i probably would have been mad.

not just because katie has probably spent the most time with him out of all of my friends, but simply because i think i feel the most comfortable with her, as well.

there's a distance i feel now between everyone else in the gumi. but not with katie and i. for some reason, we've remained as close as always. no matter how far apart we are physically, or how long it's been since we last spoke. during her first year at centralia, when we saw each other every few months if we were lucky, well, things seemed kind of rocky.

but once we actually had time to spend together, things went right back to the way they were. katie and i were close again, we could tell each other everything, there was never an uncomfortable silence. and though katie always interrupts those moments of silence where we're just sitting there in the car on our way somewhere, or when we're rollerblading and haven't spoken in fifteen minutes... well, things are never uncomfortable.

katie's led a completely different life from me. she's catholic, i'm protestant. she was homeschooled, i was shuffled through ten schools all over the world. she's generally shy until she gets to know someone, and though i have my bashful moments, i'm normally the first one talking to break the ice.

and yet we understand each other perfectly. i can tell her about what's going on at my house, if things are getting really bad. and she always knows the right thing to do or say. most of the time she just says that she doesn't know what to say, but that she loves me and that she'll always be there for me.

i wonder if katie realizes the constant source of comfort she is to me... if she knows the brilliance that makes her who she is. all the special querky ingredients that combine to make the best friend a person could ever have...

right now, it's about four hours after i first started typing this thing up. i got off the phone with katie a little over an hour ago, and since then, i've been feeling much better.

she really does have this way of soothing my soul.

i guess that's what makes her my best friend.

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