So I spent time with Joel today, and it was wonderful in a completely heartbreaking way.
We talked about a lot of things, and made some pretty big decisions regarding our relationship and how we're going to handle our future as friends.
We're still in love. Right now, though, we just can't be together. Time and distance... It's just not the right time for us.
I've said all this before. But.
But.
We decided to make it an official break-up. No more of this taking a break business, because in the end it's just hurting us more.
Because when I say 'if we get back together' I'm really saying 'when we get back together' and I can't be hoping we'll be getting back together because even if we do, it won't be for years. Years.
And we both know, deep in our hearts, that it isn't so likely that we'll get back together. I'll most likely be in Japan, and he'll be in the South-Western United States. And I want kids, and he's really not so sure anymore. And there's all of these differences and changes that happened over the last four years that we saw coming but hoped would go away, except they didn't and now we're over but we're not over, because I still love him and he still loves me and so long as we keep that tiny bit of hope that we might get back together again, neither of us will be happy.
So we decided. It's an official break-up. And even though it hurts like crazy, we both think it's for the best. The sooner I can come to terms with this relationship being over, the sooner I can begin to view him as a friend, and only a friend. The sooner I can stop hurting.
And he's hurting too, and I think that's worse than any of the pain I may be going through. And I can't help him, but I never really could, I don't think. And so I think maybe this really is for the best, that we're through, but it CAN'T be, because I love him, and damnit! Why isn't it enough?
It's supposed to be enough. Why the fuck am I sitting all alone in my bedroom, crying and typing out these inchoherent rambling sentences, when I should be with the one I love? Why can't I be with him? WHY? WHY?!
I just hate this. It's not fair. And I'm strong, I know I am. I can handle this, I'll get through this... But I don't want to. I just want to love him, and I want that to be enough.
prev next