This is so bad. So bad.
I want my Shelly, and my Georgia, and my Pasha.
I want my Mommy.
...
I suppose a bit of detail is necessary, but honestly, I just don't have the energy to explain it all. In simplest terms, I am living in a house with four males, and it's driving me INSANE.
Too much testosterone, although I'm more inclined to call it estrogen, the way they act sometimes. And I'm made out to be the bitch, because whenever the shit hits the fan, I'm the only one strong enough to announce that there's a problem that should be fixed.
Which means I'm also the only one willing to acknowledge a problem, and the only one willing to work it out. But since everybody else is content to complain in snarky undertones, yell whenever they feel a bit surly, and take all their stupid aggression out on me, I'm the one suffering. And it's killing me, it really is.
I was supposed to be happy here. It's sunny all day, these people are supposed to be my friends, school is going well. But I can't stand it here. I feel so claustrophobic.
I hate being lonely. I need my Shelly, honestly. She's the one that I think could help me best right now, since she shares the exact same moral code I do. So much is happening all around me, things I have no control over. Things I have no wish to control. But that doesn't mean it doesn't worry me, or that I don't wish I could do something about it.
It's awfully lonely sometimes being such a good girl. I don't drink, even though I'm of legal age. I don't do drugs. I don't smoke. I'm still a virgin, and I'll remain one until my wedding night.
Shelly is really the only person in my life who can say the same, and that she, like me, has no desire to change any of that. The guys here that I'm living with -- I feel as if I'm holding them back from having fun. I know for a fact that they all got pissed quite often before I came here, throwing up all over the place and passing out on the floor. They haven't done any of that since I've been here, and I feel like they resent me for it.
My friends back home are experimenting and doing things that I would never in a million years consider doing. And it's not that I disapprove, it's just that I'm afraid. When everybody else in my life is changing and growing up, I'm content to stay the same. I don't want to become another one of the masses, I don't want to get drunk every Friday night and wake up on the floor in a puddle of my own vomit. I don't want to toke it up with my friends and worry the hell out of my parents. I don't want to risk pregnancy and alter my life in a way I know I'm not ready for.
Like I said, it's not that I disapprove of any of this -- I know it's not my place to judge, and these are all people that I care about so much it doesn't matter what they do, I'll always love them. It's just that I feel like I'm being left behind, and it's lonely. Shelly is really the only person I know of on the same level as me.
We're both being left behind, but at the same time, it's a choice we're making. And I suppose that's what makes it even worse; I'm choosing to abstain from a lot, and nobody truly understands but Shelly. I know other people understand it to a point, but these are all people who participate in the activities I've chosen not to be a part of, so there is a definite boundary in how far they can interpret my feelings...
Like I said, I miss my Shelly. It's lonely not having somebody around who feels the same way I do on nearly everything, yet who is such a completely different person from me that it's never annoying.
Damnit, August isn't coming fast enough.
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